TOM WAITS
Intro to “Better Off Without A Wife”

For all the bachelors out there tonight, yeah for anybody who’s never whistled this song.

Maybe you whistled it but you lost the sheet music.

Um … this is um … well actually I don’t mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they’re not my own I show up. But I’ve always kinda been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know? Oh yeah, you call yourself up too huh? Yeah, well one thing about it, your always around.

Yeah I know, yeah you ask yourself out, you know, some class joint somewhere. The Buretto King or something, you know. Well I ain’t cheap you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe. Then there’d be some provocative conversation on the way home. Park in front of the house you know. Oh yeah, you smoothly put a little nice music on, maybe you put on like uh, you know, like shopping music, something thats not too interruptive you know and then uh slide over real nice and say ‘Oh I think you have something in your eye’.

Well maybe it’s not that romantic with you but Christ I don’t know, you know I get into it you know. Take myself up to the porch, take myself inside or maybe uh, or may get a little something, a brandy snifter or something. “Would like you like to listen to some of my back records? I got something here.”

Uh … Well usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself. There ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making a scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around.

I’ll confess you know, I’m no different you know. I’m not weird about it or anything, I don’t tie myself up first. I just kinda spend a little time with myself.

So this is kind of a little anthem here.